October 3rd was my first checkup in remission. The night before I didn’t feel well, I was nervous, I was irritable and I was getting pissed at the boyfriend who kept telling me it was going to be fine it was just a checkup. I didn’t sleep well and got up early the next morning before the alarm. The worst case of upset stomach, I couldn’t even brush my teeth without dry heaving. I said good bye to the boyfriend when he left and snuggled the little kitty for a bit until it was time for me to leave.
As I was driving over there I remembered how grateful I am that I can sit back in my seat and not have to hunch over like I did after my procedure. Reminding myself of how far I have come and what I have overcame.
At the doctors office the nurse called me back, and while I was walking I saw a tails up penny. I thought to myself “well let’s hope that doesn’t mean anything”. The doctor and I talked while he gave my front side a thorough check and then asked me to flip on my back. He made a comment about how wonderful my scar has healed and how I did such a wonderful job taking care of myself.
Then he went to the computer to check the pictures he had taken last time of some moles, just to make sure nothing had changed. He got quiet and said “well it looks like a few on your back have changed, so I want to take samples of them to see what’s up” A pit fell in my stomach, he started to explain how he would really like to take them out, but didn’t want to have me have stitches again for nothing, so he would just shave them, but there was a large possibility that I would be heading back in to get them out like last time.
The nurse came in and they numbed up my back again. It took only a few seconds and then he was done. I was with the nurse and she was bandaging me up. I was in shock. Luckily the instructions were the same as the time before so I didn’t have to pay attention to what she was saying.
I left the office and made another three month appointment, but in the pit of my stomach I knew I would be back before then. I texted the boyfriend and told him and then cried on my way to work. It wasn’t a sob, it was just hot tears rolling down my face.
The boyfriend is having an upbeat attitude, I just am not. I’m preparing for the worse at this point. No shock that I got to work and got an email from my mama asking how I was doing. She sure does have the spidey sense. Also got a text from WHO saying hi and asking how I was doing. Looks like more than one person had Ashley vibes going on.
The doctor called and I don’t have cancer. I am so relieved. He then went on to explain atypical moles and the severity of them. The top one isn’t anything to worry about, the bottom one might be, but in his opinion it isn’t something we need to worry about right now. It can wait until my three month appointment to discuss further. He explained it as like the check engine light going on, normally atypical moles indicate that something else is up, normally they find the atypical mole first and then the cancer second. Though the bottom one isn’t 100% in the clear, he isn’t worried about it and said that we can look at the area again in three months and get a read on what we should do from there.
The biggest thing that came out of our talks is I need to talk to someone. The stress of what I have gone through this year has been a lot and he said anyone my age with cancer he normally recommends them to someone to talk through what’s going on. From someone who use to love the beach to someone who went twice this year and both times was ready to leave about five minutes in my life has changed too much not to talk to someone.