How do you keep from feeling sorry for yourself? Through this whole thing it feels like my facebook has been exploding with people having babies, people announcing they are having babies, people getting engaged, people getting new jobs. I want to be happy for my friends but inside I’m thinking “how do you get all these good things and I get cancer”. I know I’m so lucky to be ok and that hopefully the worst of it is behind me. Why do I not feel lucky though? Why do I feel like this is just shit luck, when I’m trying to lose weight I can’t work out, when I’m trying to move jobs I can’t risk moving companies because I have good health insurance.
The boyfriend just got a new job, I want to feel happy for him, my head feels happy for him. My heart just isn’t in it though. He tells me that I can go to whatever job I want, that health care isn’t that great. I want to slap him. He doesn’t realize the stress that trying to find a new job creates because he has never left his company. I. Cannot. Take. Any. More. Stress.
People have been nice, the boyfriend has been supportive but enough is enough. My family has been there for me and the love I have gotten all around has made me realize the people I have surrounded myself with are quality people. I want to say “can I just catch a break” yet shouldn’t I be happy that my break is I’m in remission? Shouldn’t that be enough?
“No one can tell what goes on in between the person you were and the person you become. No one can chart that blue and lonely section of hell. There are no maps of the change. You just come out the other side. Or you don’t.” ― Stephen King,