Leaving work on Thursday was surreal, my boss and the director gave me a look that said “we won’t make a scene but good luck”. I met the boyfriend at home and we put on our workout stuff and headed over to the tennis courts. I wasn’t having the best game, but I couldn’t think of anything besides the surgery tomorrow. I got angry with myself for not enjoying the moment since I wouldn’t see those courts for at least another two weeks. Then out of nowhere I knew needed a hug so I went over and got a sweaty one from the boyfriend. I thought I would be ok but four second later I was all out sobbing while playing. He said “ok we are done let’s go home” I didn’t want to though, I wanted to make the most of the last few moments I had pre surgery. We played for a little while longer and then headed on home for a quick dinner. I managed to fall asleep at the regular time which was shocking to me. As I thought it would take forever.
I took that whole next day off. Even though my surgery was at 1 I knew that I needed to just give myself some time to breathe. The boyfriend was also able to work only in the morning and take me which was a huge relief. So while he was working I cleaned the apartment like a mad woman. I did four loads of laundry and cleaned every square inch of it including the bathroom and tub which I never do. I just kept myself busy the best way I knew how at the moment. Finally I needed to shower so I could get ready to go. Stepping in the shower I started to sob. It was great heaving sobs that made it hard to catch my breath. The tears were running hot down my cheeks but I couldn’t stop. I was scared, I was angry, I was sad. I sat down and cried about the scar I would have on my back, I cried about how my relationship with the outdoors was never going to be the same, I cried about the fact that I had cancer, I cried for the fear of uncertainty, I cried for myself. I must have gone a good five minutes before I told myself it was time to be strong and be brave. So I finished up and got out of the shower to get dressed, the boyfriend was sitting on the couch looking at me. I knew he was feeling some of my same emotions, yet he sat strong.