Last night diving home I called and talked to Erin. I had debated on who to tell and what to say but everyone I ran through I didn’t either want to ruin their work week or just add something else to their already full plate. So I called her, well actually she called me since she lives in Brazil now, and when I finally told her I cried. At least I thought “I didn’t start shaking like before” but the tears flowed. She, like the boyfriend, kept me positive and when I expressed to her how angry I was that I did it myself and it was my fault that this was happening she shut it down immediately. “That is the past, we aren’t going to live in the past. Now it is time to get this over with and in the future we will just lather you up in sun screen put a hat on you and stick you under an umbrella. You aren’t going anywhere”
I told her I didn’t want to tell anyone, including our mutual friend Kelli who was coming over later that night. I didn’t want people to have this burden, I didn’t want people to treat me differently, I didn’t want anything to change. She told me that no one had to know. So I am sorry Kelli but to be able to have a regular conversation without that hanging over our heads was what I needed at that time. It’s not that I didn’t want you to know, it’s that I didn’t want to deal with it yet.
Last night was perfect, we grilled, we drank the wine I bought from the vineyard the weekend before and we caught up like normal friends would. Later on the boyfriend told me that if he wasn’t able to get off work he wanted his mom or his grandma to go with me to the hospital. Since I hadn’t even told my own parents yet I wasn’t ok with that. I can imagine the hurt they would feel if someone else was there for me and I didn’t give them the opportunity to be there. Yet I don’t want them taking time off work to do this. So now I’m thinking I’m going to call one of my brothers. Morgan first, and if he for some reason can’t get off work then I’ll call the baby. I want this having as little impact on people as possible, I already know the news will be a big blow so trying to mitigate any other burden is what I’m looking for.