I didn’t sleep well last night at all. Did I really have cancer? Yes. I think it was sinking in a little more. The boyfriend came into the bathroom as I was getting out of the shower and he looked at my back proclaiming “nope no cancer here anymore, I can tell it’s gone” I knew he was trying to use humor to get through the situation so I smiled back.
I got ready and headed to work, after an early morning meeting I went to talk to one of my friends who works the front desk. When she asked how I was I think I said “I’ve had better days” yet inside I was screaming “can you see it? Do you know? Can you please guess because I can’t say the words” We talked a little more and I went back to my desk. Refusing to google what I had or what the side effects may be. I stayed away from the websites and just tried to plug through work.
A call came from my dermo letting me know that they might have some earlier openings at a specialist hospital. He said that he didn’t want to frighten me to think that it was worse at all but he knew how anxious I was to get this done. I said that I wanted it as soon as possible, I would even come in that day. He didn’t think they would have anything today but that I would be receiving a call. His receptionist also called, she said I could call her anytime or just call and ask for her on the main line. She said her name a few times, I didn’t write it down so I have no clue what it is. Lesson 1, start writing things down. You cannot possibly process what people are telling you, write it down read it later.
A few times I welled up, but managed to keep it together through the first part. I knew I had a meeting with my boss later on for a yearly review, I would have to tell him because I couldn’t just say “so I’m going to be out for who knows how long starting well hopefully sooner than the 13th but at the latest the 13th” This would be the first person besides the boyfriend that I have told. I can’t call my parents yet, I know I should, I know that if I were in their shoes I would want to know. I don’t know if calling them would make it more real or I just don’t want to scare them because I know I’m going to be fine. I have to be fine. I think it is a mixture of both, I am still debating calling them when I know my surgery date or calling them after.
How do you tell the people you love and who you want to protect that you have cancer over the phone?