It sure has been awhile huh! I’m back for the most part and ready to share why I have been missing in action. During the next few weeks I’ll release a post a day on what has been going on. It isn’t real time, it was wrote while I was going through everything, I found writing very cathartic. To save you the suspense I’m fine and I’m going to be fine.
On June 2nd 2014 at 6:30ish I was diagnosed with Skin Cancer.
Those are words I never though I would type. As I write this I’m still trying to process what has happened in the last 18 hours. I got the call as I was headed home from grocery shopping at Whole Foods. I normally don’t answer numbers I don’t know, but for some reason something told me I needed to pick it up. When the doctor told me he had the results from the mole they took off my back on Thursday I thought oh cool normally I just get a letter but he knew that I would want to know I was fine sooner. Yet the second he asked, “is now a good time to talk” I thought “fuck”
He then began to explain that it was cancer, I think he said melanoma, I’m not sure I didn’t hear much after that. I heard that the skin around the mole he took tested negative which was a great sign. It meant there was a very high chance that they got it all already but to be sure he wanted to take skin from around to be completely sure he got it all. He then stated to talk about the very large scar this would create, but all I was thinking was “I have cancer, who the hell cares about a scar get this shit off me now”. We made an appointment, for 11 days from the call. I asked if there could be anything sooner, he said that was the earliest he had and we hung up. I think I said something along the lines of “see you soon”.
I walked into the hallway of my apartment, the boyfriend heard me coming and threw open the door. Exubarent that I was home because we were going to go play tennis. I guess a look says a thousand words because two seconds later he asked what was wrong. When I told him his was response was “shut up, you’re kidding right?” “shut up” We looked at each other for what seemed like minutes, yet was probably seconds before he took me in his arms and we just stood there. Neither one of us cried I think we were too in shock.
As we were unpacking the groceries he kept telling me how it was going to be fine how this was the “fake cancer” and how by July it would be all better. It didn’t make me feel any better, but I knew it was making him feel better so I let him talk. I then got pissed at myself. I had done this to myself, I had been an idiot and gone in tanning beds all through college. Being tan had made me feel pretty, it made me feel skinny, I thought it made me more desirable.
I stated this to him and he said “you are beautiful, but you wasted all that on jamokes and now I get the girl with moles”. He didn’t say cancer, and I knew he still didn’t want to believe I had it. We went to play tennis still and I remember thinking “if we can get to 20 volley’s it will all be fine, just get to 20”. The boyfriend probably couldn’t figure out why I was so persistent on getting to 20. When we finally did I let out a whoop and smiled.
Later on I just had to remind myself to breathe, I would find myself holding my breath when I was thinking about what was to come. Finally in the shower before bed I let out a few tears but managed to stop it after a few seconds. It still didn’t seem real.